One man, one woman, for life: what the Bible means by marriage

This is one of those subjects a church is supposed to be vague about now. Say something warm, keep it general, don't get specific, and nobody gets upset. We're not going to do that, because a church that won't tell you what it believes isn't being kind to you. It's just not being your church.

So here it is, plainly.

Marriage is a definition, not a preference

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). That's the first marriage, and it's God's own description of what He made. One man. One woman. Joined in covenant. For life.

Jesus was asked about marriage directly, and He didn't reach for a cultural argument or a poll. He went back to the beginning: "Haven't you read that he who created them in the beginning made them male and female," and then He quoted Genesis 2:24 word for word, and added, "What God has joined together, let no one separate" (Matthew 19:4–6). That's the whole of it. Male and female. Joined by God. Not separated by us.

Notice what that is. It isn't a rule God imposed on marriage from outside. It's the definition of the thing itself. And a definition works differently than a preference. If I tell you I prefer black coffee, you can prefer cream and we can both be right. But if I tell you my truck is a boat, I can say it as often and as sincerely as I want and it still isn't going to float. The word means something. Insisting otherwise doesn't change the water.

So when we say a man cannot be married to a man, and a woman cannot be married to a woman, we're not announcing a policy. We're saying what the word means. By the very definition God gave, that isn't marriage. It can be called marriage, licensed as marriage, celebrated as marriage — and it still isn't the thing Genesis 2 describes.

And the same line runs through all of us

Here's where people expect a church to stop, having named one sin and gotten comfortable. We're not going to stop there, because Scripture doesn't.

God's design puts sexual intimacy inside marriage and nowhere else. "Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled" (Hebrews 13:4). "This is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication" (1 Thessalonians 4:3). That's a fence with one gate in it, and everything on the other side of that fence is outside of God's will — whether that's a man and a woman living together who aren't married, a man and a man, a woman and a woman, or more than two people in whatever arrangement they've agreed to. Living in it, promoting it, or building your identity on it — it's all the same side of the fence. Sin isn't graded on a curve, and it isn't measured by how common it's become.

Which means the man in the pew who is sleeping with his girlfriend and the man who is quietly looking at things on his phone are in exactly the same position as anybody else on that list. Right? Same fence. Same gate. We don't get to build a hierarchy where our sins are the respectable ones.

And I want to say this next part as clearly as I know how, because I've watched churches get it wrong in both directions. The Pharisee in Luke 18 thanked God he wasn't like other men. He went home unjustified. The tax collector wouldn't lift his eyes and said, "God, have mercy on me, a sinner," and he went home right with God. Self-righteousness is the worst seat in the house. If reading the paragraph above made you feel good about yourself, you didn't read it right.

Come as you are. We mean it.

You are welcome at TheWay. Whatever you're living in, whatever you've come out of, whatever you'd have to explain if we got coffee — come. Sit down. Nobody's going to corner you, and nobody's going to hand you a list of things to fix before you're allowed to be in the room.

That's not us being soft. That's the gospel. "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). Not after we cleaned up. While. There has never been a version of the message where you get yourself presentable first and then God will have you. If that were the deal, none of us would be here.

So come as you are. Every one of us did.

But come-as-you-are is not stay-as-you-are

Here's the difference between us and a lot of churches today, and I'd rather you hear it from me than find it out in month four.

There is a Jesus being sold right now who loves you exactly as you are and has no interest whatsoever in changing you. He affirms. He accepts. He never asks you to repent of anything, never asks you to give anything up, never says a word about sin. He's endlessly agreeable, He always takes your side, and He's completely made up. He's a Jesus people built, and people build Him for an understandable reason: He's more comfortable than the real one. But a Jesus you assembled out of the parts you liked can't save you, because He isn't there.

The real Jesus said why He came: "the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost" (Luke 19:10). Lost. That word assumes something has gone wrong. You don't send a search party for people who are fine.

And what He does with the people He finds is change them. God's purpose is that we be "conformed to the image of his Son" (Romans 8:29). "If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new" (2 Corinthians 5:17). Grace itself teaches us "to deny godlessness and worldly lusts and to live in a sensible, righteous, and godly way in the present age" (Titus 2:11–12). Grace teaches. Grace trains. Grace does not leave you where it found you.

Paul made a list once — a hard one, sexual sin of every kind, theft, greed, drunkenness, and more — and said people who go on living in those things won't inherit the kingdom of God. And then he wrote the sentence that ought to be over the door of every church: "And some of you used to be like this. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God" (1 Corinthians 6:9–11).

Used to be. Past tense. That's the whole hope of the thing. The church at Corinth was full of people who used to be. So is every real church.

When Jesus stood between the woman caught in adultery and the men holding rocks, He said two things, and people love to quote only one of them. "Neither do I condemn you." That's real, and it's for you. And then: "Go, and sin no more" (John 8:11). Both sentences came out of the same mouth on the same afternoon. A church that gives you the first without the second isn't being generous with you. It's keeping half the news to itself.

Not the price. The result.

Let me say the thing I most don't want you to miss.

Holiness is not what you pay to get saved. You can't afford it and it isn't for sale. Salvation is free — entirely, permanently free, bought by Jesus at the cross and given to you the moment you trust Him.

Holiness is what happens next. It's the result, not the requirement. It's what a life looks like when the Spirit of God actually lives in it. That's why we pursue it — not to earn something we already have, but because we belong to Him now and we'd rather look like it.

So: free to receive, and costly to follow. Both are true. Anybody who tells you only the first half is selling something, and anybody who tells you only the second half never understood the gospel in the first place.

Where that leaves you

If you've never trusted Jesus — the issue tonight isn't your sexuality, your living situation, or your history. It's whether you'll come to Him. He died for sin, He rose, and He saves everyone who calls on Him. Come as you are and let Him do the rest. He's been doing it a long time.

If you follow Jesus and you're fighting something in this area — you're not disqualified and you're not alone. Fighting sin is evidence you're alive, not evidence you're lost. Walk in the Spirit; you will not fulfill the desire of the flesh (Galatians 5:16). Find people who will walk it with you instead of doing it in the dark.

And if you've been on the other side of a church that used verses like these as a weapon — I'm sorry. That happens, and it's a real thing that leaves real marks. The Bible isn't a club to swing at people. It's the truth about what God made, what went wrong, and what Jesus did about it.

We'd love to have you. Come as you are, and let's see what He does.

Related: Looking for a church in Big Rapids, and the rest of the marriage series — the root of most marriage problems and what God asks of husbands.