The root of most marriage problems (and the verse that fixes it)

Marriage series, part 2 of 5 · Ephesians 5:21

Here is the shortest diagnosis of marriage trouble I know: the root of most marital problems is sin, and the root of sin is selfishness.

That sounds blunt, but it's freeing, because selfishness is something you can actually do something about. You can't change your spouse. You can change which direction you're facing.

The verse everyone skips

Most people who know Ephesians 5 know two lines from it: "Wives, submit to your own husbands" and "Husbands, love your wives." What often gets skipped is the sentence that sets both of them up: "submitting to one another in the fear of Christ" (Ephesians 5:21).

That's the overarching thought leading into everything Paul says about the home. Everyone is under Christ. Wives under husbands, children under parents, employees under employers — and all of it flowing from a shared posture of submission to God. A wife's submission to Christ flows through submitting to her husband. A child's flows through obeying his parents. This is the structure God designed, and it starts with all of us bowing to Him.

Jesus shows us what submission is

If the word "submission" makes you flinch, look at who did it best. Jesus humbled Himself to the Father. He served the very people He created. He died for them. In the garden He prayed, "Not as I will, but as You will" (Matthew 26:39). Submission isn't weakness or inferiority. Jesus is God, and He submitted. It's the willing choice to put someone else's good ahead of your own preference. That's the thing marriages run on.

These verses were written to you, not about your spouse

Men, the verses to wives were not written for you to force on your wife. They were written to her and for her. And wives, the verses to husbands were not written for you to hold over his head. We can't handle policing what the other person is "supposed" to do. Focus on what God asks of you, and pray your spouse does what God asks of them.

The most common trap in marriage sounds like this: "If my wife did what she's supposed to do, I'd do what I'm supposed to do." Or the reverse. It feels fair. It's also a guarantee that nobody moves. Do what you're supposed to do regardless of what your spouse does. That's the only version of this that works.

Treat people the way you'd want to be treated

Jesus gave us the rule for every relationship: "Whatever you want others to do for you, do also the same for them" (Matthew 7:12). It's called the Golden Rule for a reason. It's how we're supposed to treat everyone — so ask yourself whether you're at least treating your spouse that way. It's sometimes easier to be kind to people you don't live with. Who cares if you're pleasant to strangers and hard to live with at home?

A word to single people

You can practice all of this without being married. And here's the honest truth: if you can't be content in Christ while you're single, you won't be content with a spouse when you're married. Contentment doesn't vary with your situation; it's a choice. Paul wrote, "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I find myself" (Philippians 4:11), and "godliness with contentment is great gain" (1 Timothy 6:6). Not godliness with a spouse. Not godliness with money. God gives you the ability to be content wherever you are. Marriage won't make you content, and a different spouse won't either. Jesus can.

Where this goes next

With that foundation — everyone under Christ, each of us responsible for our own obedience — the specific words to wives and husbands make a lot more sense. They aren't two competing sets of demands. They're two ways of doing the same thing: submitting to one another in the fear of God.

One more thing before you go. If you've never trusted Jesus, no marriage advice in the world is going to fix what's actually wrong, and I'd be doing you no favors pretending otherwise. He died for your sin, He rose, and He saves everyone who calls on Him. Start there. Then come back and read the rest.

And if you do know Him — you can't make your spouse do any of this, and you were never asked to. Do your part. That's the whole assignment.

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Marriage series: ← Part 1 · Part 2 · Part 3 →