A marriage that lasts — communication, choosing to love, and forgiving in advance
Dillon McCurdy · September 21, 2026 · 8 min read
The Family series, part 4 of 6
What marriage is
Webster's 1828 defines marriage as "the act of uniting a man and woman for life... a contract both civil and religious, by which the parties engage to live together in mutual affection and fidelity, till death shall separate them." He goes on: it was "instituted by God himself for the purpose of preventing the promiscuous intercourse of the sexes, for promoting domestic felicity, and for securing the maintenance and education of children." That was the plain understanding of marriage for most of history.
And yet marriages end. Surveys of divorced couples list the top reasons: lack of commitment first, by a wide margin; then infidelity, constant conflict, marrying too young, money problems, substance abuse, domestic violence, and lack of family support. Look at that list and notice how many of them are things that grow slowly in the dark. Here are six habits that keep the lights on. (For the biblical roles themselves, see our marriage series.)
Communicate
Communication is key. Life gets busy, and the first relationship to get crowded out is usually the one you promised to keep first. Prioritize your marriage over every other relationship — your parenting will be better when your marriage is better, your friendships will be better, even your relationship with God will be better. You have to be intentional about it. Talk about goals, dreams, money, raising kids, church, your spiritual life, your physical life. Don't assume you're on the same page. Check.
Choose to love
How do you feel about your spouse? At some point in every marriage you have to choose to love that person. Difficulty will come, a lot will change, and you'll have to decide to love your spouse — not because of anything they've done, but because you've chosen to. "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it" (Ephesians 5:25). "God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). God chose to love us at our worst. Husbands and wives are to choose to love each other regardless. If you only love your spouse for what they bring to the relationship, what happens when what they bring isn't there anymore?
Strong homes make strong churches
Here's something I've noticed. When people cause "problems" at church, it's often because there's a problem at home. They can't see a way out of the problem at home, so when an issue comes up that they can do something about, all that frustration comes out sideways. Fix the home and a lot of the rest fixes itself.
Hold each other accountable
Not to trip your spouse up — to help them. God isn't standing over us with a switch every time we mess up; we come to Him for help and He loves us. When we fail, we should be able to go to our spouse for help, not punishment. Religion says, "I messed up, don't tell my dad." Relationship says, "I messed up — where's my dad?" That's good parenting advice too: if you're always down their throats, they won't come to you when something's wrong. Be a confidant for your spouse and your children.
Be affectionate
A great benefit of marriage is having someone to love — so love your spouse. Another is having someone to be affectionate with in a way you are with nobody else. Marriage is a relationship like no other. Take advantage of it. Hug, kiss, hold hands. Keep the drive and the desire you had while dating alive.
Be thoughtful and kind
Remember the dates that matter. Remember what your spouse loves — and keep learning, because it changes. Be kind in word and in action. Go learn the five love languages — quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, physical touch — and love your spouse the way they want to be loved, not the way that comes naturally to you. Most people have a primary and a secondary. Find them and do them.
Forgive — in advance
"Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them" (Colossians 3:19). There's an implication there that bitterness can creep in, especially from the husband's side. So be willing and ready to forgive. If your spouse came to you with a sin they'd committed or something they were addicted to, how would you handle it? Would you be ready, or would you blow up?
Look at the word itself: for-give. It carries the sense of something decided beforehand. Forgiveness is a decision you make before you're aware of an offense. Decide now.
Forgiveness was decided long before you
That word — for-give — didn't start in a marriage. God settled the matter of your sin before you ever got around to committing it. The cross wasn't a reaction to you. It was a decision made in advance, and Jesus walked into it on purpose, took what you had coming, and came out of that grave three days later. So if you've never trusted Him, you're not being asked to clean yourself up first and then apply. You're being asked to call on Him and let Him do the thing He already decided to do. Everyone who calls gets saved. Everyone.
And if you're already His, pick one small thing this week. The date you keep forgetting. The hand you haven't held since the kids came. Or the offense you've been quietly filing away, waiting for the right moment to bring up. Decide today that it's forgiven, before your spouse ever mentions it. Then go tell them one thing you love about them that you've never said out loud.