What a father is for — nurture, admonition, and the long game
Dillon McCurdy · September 21, 2026 · 9 min read
The Family series, part 3 of 6 · Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21; Proverbs
What happens when he's missing
You can see what a father is for by looking at what happens when he isn't there. Roughly 18 million American children — about one in four — live without a father in the home. Children in father-absent homes are close to four times more likely to be poor. There's significantly more drug use among children who don't live with both parents. Children from single-parent homes are more than twice as likely to take their own lives. Around seven in ten high-school dropouts are fatherless. In one study, seven in ten youth in state facilities came from single-parent homes; other data suggests fatherless kids are many times more likely to end up incarcerated, while children who are close to their fathers are far less likely to. Girls whose fathers left before age five were several times more likely to become pregnant as teenagers. And of the school shooters in one study of 56 cases, fewer than one in five was raised in a stable home with both biological parents.
None of that is meant to shame anyone raising kids alone — many do it heroically. It's meant to show men what's at stake. We see why there's such a breakdown in homes that don't have this person in them.
The job description
A father, by definition, is he who begets a child. His roles, drawn from Scripture: to love, exhort, comfort, teach, correct, guide, and discipline. "As ye know how we exhorted and comforted and charged every one of you, as a father doth his children" (1 Thessalonians 2:11).
The clearest single verse is Ephesians 6:4: "Fathers, don't stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Colossians 3:21 says it from the other side: "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they won't become discouraged." Take the verse in pieces.
Don't provoke. Don't make your children angry on purpose. Has anyone ever provoked you to anger? How did you like it? Don't antagonize your kids. And cut your parents the slack you'll want your children to cut you when they're adults.
Bring them up. The word means to nourish to maturity — to feed, support, cherish, educate, and promote growth. Dads, it's your job to take care of your family.
Training. The whole education of a child — mind, morals, and body — using instruction, correction, and discipline. It's your responsibility to educate your children. Which raises a question: are you growing? It's hard to help your children grow when you aren't. And the school system isn't going to teach them many practical life skills. You have to.
Instruction. Counsel against a fault, direction in duty, caution. Be a counselor and a confidant — someone your children can come to and feel comfortable coming to. Religion says, "I messed up, don't tell my dad." Relationship says, "I messed up — where's my dad?" And if you're not willing to have conversations with your children about the important things — sex, marriage, pornography, money, relationships — others will. The school will, their friends will, people on the internet will.
Teach, correct, guide, love
Proverbs fills out the picture. Teach: "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6). "My son, hear the instruction of thy father" (Proverbs 1:8). Correct: "For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth" (Proverbs 3:12). "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him" (Proverbs 22:15). "Chasten thy son while there is hope" (Proverbs 19:18). "Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest" (Proverbs 29:17). Guide: "A good man leaveth an inheritance to his children’s children" (Proverbs 13:22). "The just man walketh in his integrity: his children are blessed after him" (Proverbs 20:7). And love: "If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?" (Luke 11:13). Even a flawed father knows how to give good gifts. Give them.
Practical things
Speak positively to, and about, their mother. Establish a regular "dad time." Know your children, and be known by them. Be the bridge between your own father and your kids — take the good forward and stop the bad at you.
Teach your children, especially your sons, the importance of being a parent. Say yes as much as you can. Be a good husband — be the example of what your daughters want to marry and what your sons want to be. Play the long game, not the short one: screens are the short game; teaching, loving, and time are the long game. Raise adults, not children. And think about the long-term relationship you want with your kids when they're grown — then parent toward it now.
Two kinds of people made it to the bottom of this one. Some of you had a dad who got most of it right and you're grateful. Some of you read that list of numbers and recognized your own childhood in it. Either way, there's a Father who has never once been absent, and He proved it by sending His Son to die for your sin and raising Him up on the third day. If flawed men know how to give good gifts, how much more does He? Come to Him. He gives, and He does not quit on His children.
Dads, take one item off that practical list and do it this week. One. Put dad time on the calendar where your wife can see it. Or say something good about their mother, out loud, in front of them, at supper. Or take the good your own father handed you forward and stop the bad at you, starting with the way you talk when you're tired.
The long game only ever gets played one ordinary week at a time.