Where there's no wood, the fire goes out — gossip, talebearing, and church discord

From a sermon · Proverbs 26:20–21

"Without wood, fire goes out; without a gossip, conflict dies down. As charcoal for embers and wood for fire, so is a quarrelsome person for kindling strife."

This may be one of the biggest problems in churches today. Proverbs makes an obvious observation: when you run out of wood, the fire goes out. When there's wood, it keeps burning. The fire is strife — contention, discord. The wood is the talebearer — the one who whispers, murmurs, slanders, meddles. "A froward man soweth strife: and a whisperer separateth chief friends" (Proverbs 16:28). A talebearer always has to have the information and always has to be first to share it. He revels in knowing what others don't. And he'll spread it whether or not he knows it's true.

God hates it

Proverbs 6:16–19 lists seven things the Lord hates, and the last one is "one who stirs up trouble among brothers." Sowing discord among God's people is an attribute of Satan — he is "the accuser of our brethren" (Revelation 12:10). When we do it, we're doing his work.

Why people really leave churches

The number one reason people leave a church is discord that has been sown. It's seldom a doctrinal issue or a moral one. Most likely they've been "told something," convinced of it, and then they leave. Very rarely does someone hear something, go to the person it's about, and make up their own mind after hearing both sides. If you've been in church long, you know people who left over something they heard and never checked.

The bigger problem isn't the person who leaves. It's the person who convinced them — the one who takes people with him. Scripture says to mark such people: "Mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them. For they that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly; and by good words and fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple" (Romans 16:17–18). If someone comes to you and starts running down someone else, make a mental note about that person. Paul warned the Ephesian elders that "of your own selves shall men arise ... to draw away disciples after them" (Acts 20:30).

Be especially cautious of anyone working to tear down a pastor. A good question to ask is, "Have you talked to him about this?" If the answer is anything but a confident yes, walk away from it. If an accuser isn't willing to talk to the person he's accusing, be skeptical of the accusation. Someone unwilling to handle a thing the right way probably has a wrong motive. I say this to warn you, because that's part of my job (Acts 20:28).

How not to be a talebearer

Hear the whole matter before you speak to it. "He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him" (Proverbs 18:13). Listen first. Don't assume. Deal in what's true, not what you suspect is true. We all draw conclusions about situations, and that's fine — but if we don't know a thing to be true, we shouldn't share it as if it is. And be careful not to lead people to the conclusion you want them to reach. News outlets are masters of this: they give you the facts, arranged so you'll conclude what they want you to conclude. Scripture calls that guile — deceit, craft. It has the sense of aiming an arrow. Genesis 3 is the model: Satan never technically lied to Eve; he led her to a false conclusion with facts. We can be guilty of the same thing when we hand people certain facts, a certain way, to make them think a certain way.

Don't talk badly about people — even when it's true. The word "gossip" isn't in the old translations; the word is "backbiting." Gossip spreads falsehoods, which obviously you shouldn't do. Backbiting includes gossip — but it also includes telling true things. Sometimes we know something true about a person and think that makes it fine to spread. It isn't. "LORD, who shall abide in thy tabernacle?... He that backbiteth not with his tongue, nor doeth evil to his neighbour, nor taketh up a reproach against his neighbour" (Psalm 15:1–3). Underneath, the backbiter usually wants to be seen as someone who knows what others don't.

Don't be afraid to confront an issue. Often the talebearer is upset about something but doesn't actually want it resolved — he just wants to complain. He'll say he doesn't want to offend the person by confronting them, and then go tell five other people about the issue he won't address with the one person who could fix it.

Don't listen to talebearers. If you do, they'll upset you and make you think like they think. You'll grow to dislike who they dislike and get worked up about what works them up. They'll keep coming back, and they'll call you a confidant. "The north wind driveth away rain: so doth an angry countenance a backbiting tongue" (Proverbs 25:23). Your countenance toward backbiting determines how much of it you hear. It's hard to talk to someone who won't listen — be that someone. This is the whole point of the text: don't put wood on the talebearer's fire. That's what he wants.

Two practical things

Be careful how much news you let into your life. News companies exist to make money. If they can get you riled up and coming back, they've done their job. Different outlets tell different audiences what each wants to hear — that's why there are so many. The result is division, and we love the drama it adds to our days more than we'd admit.

And be careful who you follow on social media and how it affects you. Give yourself a checkup from the neck up. Take account of how people, music, programs, and platforms leave you feeling — your attitude, your spirit, your speech, your joy. If you always come away with a bad disposition after a certain thing, maybe stop doing it. If you're always upset after time with a certain friend, maybe less time. And when you find things that build you up, do more of them.

Before you close this

Some of you have been the wood. You've carried the story, you've enjoyed the warmth of the fire, and if you're honest the drama has been a little bit fun. Underneath all of that is something you can't fix by watching your mouth. The mouth just reports what's already in there. Jesus went to a cross for that heart, came out of the grave three days later, and He'll take it and hand you a new one the day you ask Him to. That part costs you nothing. It cost Him everything.

The other one of you is saved and just tired of the smoke. Do one thing this week. The next time a conversation turns and somebody starts telling you what somebody else said, don't nod and don't lean in. Say, "I'd rather not hear that unless we're going to go talk to them." It'll be awkward for about four seconds. It'll also be the end of that particular fire, because you were the wood and you just walked off.

Related: James 3 — the tongue and James 4 — where fights come from.